“Your advertising’s just dandy… folks would never guess you don’t have a thing to sell.” Bonnie Parker
Faye Dunnaway might as well have been talking about Touch for Men by Fred Hayman when she said those lines to Warren Beatty in the classic 1967 film “Bonnie And Clyde”.
The bottle for Touch was so pretty and elegant that I was seduced by its classic apothecary bottle design. I bought it blind and on the promise of the notes it claimed to have. Three notes to be exact, Lavender, Spices, and Amber, a simple yet masculine Oriental Spicy, right up my alley. It sounded uncomplicated and elegant and like something that might hark back to the glamour of Beverly Hills in the 90’s when Fred Hayman was a big name people still remembered on Rodeo Drive.
Then it arrived….. I opened the package and took one look at the box. Not good. It was rather gaudy… Oh well it was the 90’s after all.
I unboxed the bottle… Now it looked a little better with its oversized black cap and the red plastic “wax” seal with an H stamped on it in the center of the bottle… no name just the stamp. Well that was kind of classy; if you stood back a few feet and squinted. Then I opened the bottle.
I spayed it on and in a Newport Beach second I morphed into Summer Roberts from “The O.C.”
“It smells like Chino, Ew!!”
It stank like the inside of the plastic head of a Jerry Mahoney ventriloquist doll. I know because when I was 12 I smelled my cousin’s Jerry Mahoney Doll, and it smelled BAD. What is that, Lavender? I have never smelled lavender like that. Is it plastic flowers melting on a sidewalk in the summer? The spices are from the back shelf of an old taco truck abandoned on the old I 5 just north of Gorman. Amber? No not amber but something akin to burning tires in a junk yard in the San Fernando Valley.
It not only stank but it stank in the most obvious obnoxious way. IT WAS CHEAP!
Was this a joke? All I could think of was Divine in “Lust in the Dust.”
DIVINE: Yeah, I came here for the gold, because I’ve been poor all my life.
MAGRUERITA VENTURA: You’ve got it all wrong, honey. You’ve been cheap all your life.
[picks up a chair, and breaks it over Maguerita]
DIVINE: This furniture is cheap.
I have no idea how long it lasts because I had the hazmat team in here giving me the “Dr. No” decontamination scrub down about thirty minutes after the first spay.
Lets just put it this way, It had me, and not in a good way, at “Ew”.
(RACHEL BILSON ~ SUMMER ROBERTS EW)